I first learned about Emotional Intelligence (EI) in 2008 when I qualified as a practitioner of the MSCEIT model of EI; an ability based model that is very well evidenced and highly useful. I confess that I went along to day one of the week-long training course as a cynic. Seeing myself as someone who highly valued logic and reason over emotion, I was uncertain how Emotions and Intelligence could work together. But I soon discovered that EI is an extremely powerful ability that affects all aspects of our lives.

I may have started the course a cynic but I left completely inspired by course tutor Susan David and as an absolute enthusiast of EI. The new knowledge sparked an interest which has seen me develop, over the last 12 years, into an Emotional Intelligence and Wellbeing specialist.

So what is Emotional Intelligence? According to the originators of the theory, Jack Mayer and Peter Salovey, the ability based approach to Emotional Intelligence is “the ability to perceive emotion, integrate emotion to facilitate thought, understand emotions and to regulate emotions to promote personal growth”. Susan David adapted this to the easy to remember RUUM™ model that I use every day.

In this article I want to focus on the 4th branch of this model; Managing Emotions. When I am running training courses on EI it is often this section that people talk about most when I ask them what they think EI is. When I am using EI in my coaching sessions it is also one which people want to focus on. I think this is at least in part due to the fact that it is one of the elements of EI that is most visible. We can see the impact of a lack of emotion management in ourselves and others very clearly. It is also one of the most high yield branches, so it’s very much worth finding out more about it!

Susan David’s definition of Managing Emotion is simply “The ability to bring about optimal emotional outcomes in ourselves and others”. If you take the MSCEIT (an Emotional Intelligence test) you will find out your level of ability in 2 areas; managing emotions when the situation mostly involves you (Emotion Management) and managing emotions when it mostly involves others (Emotions Relationships).

Being able to manage our emotions is highly beneficial, here are just a few of the benefits:

·         It helps us to manage pressure and therefore reduces stress

·         When we manage our emotions we problem solve effectively

·         It helps us to maintain and build better relationships

·         When we manage our emotions we make better decisions

·         It is crucial for our wellbeing; we feel good when we manage our emotions well!

How then do we manage emotions effectively? There will some strategies that will be specific to you as an individual and you can find out what these are by taking the MSCEIT. Here I will share with you some ways to manage emotions which are universally effective and scientifically evidenced.

1. Stay open to emotions

This may sound simple but many people I meet struggle with this notion. Being open to emotions means recognising how you are feeling and allowing yourself to feel that way. It means being open to all types of emotions; both the pleasant and unpleasant ones. It is also about recognising that the emotion, whether “positive” or “negative” can be useful if integrated well with our reasoning.

2. Avoid suppressing your emotions

When we are not open to emotions it can result in us suppressing feelings that we don’t want to feel. This is not good for our wellbeing and emotional health. A 2013 study by the Harvard School of Public Health and the University of Rochester showed people who bottled up their emotions increased their chance of premature death from all causes by more than 30%. Suppressing our emotions actually works to exacerbate them and lead to strong emotional outbursts later that are often completely out of proportion to the event.

3. Avoid ruminating over emotions

The opposite of suppression is rumination and this can be equally damaging. Ruminating involves over-thinking situations and emotions, going over and over the same event or feeling, often obsessing over the “why”. This rumination can lead to us bring back negative memories, interpret the current situation more negatively and make the emotion last for longer. Research also shows that rumination is linked to a variety of negative consequences, including depression and anxiety.

4. Have good short-term and long-term strategies  

When we have a problem to solve, be it an emotionally charged one or not, we need to be able to use short-term and long-term strategies. This helps us to move on from the emotion.

Short-term strategies

These are good for one off situations where we want to feel better fast. For example, you’ve had a really tough day and as you drive home you realise you’re feeling frustrated at the lack of progress you’ve made today and you’re worried about what you need to do tomorrow to make up for it. It’s your son’s 5th birthday today and you’ve promised him you’ll play his favourite games with him when you get home. But right now you really don’t feel like doing that at all, you know you’ll just be grumpy with him. To manage your emotions and to feel more in the mood for playing games you could listen to one of your favourite music play lists while you drive home. It will quickly put you in a more positive mood and you’ll be able to have fun with your son.

Research shows that music, exercise, social support and mindfulness are all great ways to quickly move from a negative to a positive mood.

 Long-Term strategies

If a problem is more complex recurring or lasting longer then a short term strategy may not be good enough. Sometimes we will need to put long-term strategies in place to help us feel better. Say you are unhappy at work, the short-term strategies will only go so far.  Instead, you will also need to employ strategies which are

Direct – directed at the real issue and

Active – doing something about it

If you are unhappy at work you would need to identify what exactly are you unhappy with, what is it that is causing you to feel this way? Once you have identified this you can then put some actions in place which target the specific causes. For example maybe you need to change location, manage the relationship with your manager or ask for more responsibility. Make sure you commit to concrete, achievable actions.

5. Work on the other elements of Emotional Intelligence

In order to put effective strategies in place to manage emotions we need to be able to

·         recognise how we feel

·         know how those feelings are affecting our thinking

·         empathise with others

·         understand what else we are feeing – emotions are complex

·         understand what has caused us to feel this way

·         understand how those feelings will change over time

This means utilising each area of Emotional Intelligence, so by working on the other areas we can create more effective strategies. For example, practise mindfulness to help you recognise how you feel or identify your individual causes of emotions to help your understanding. You can see my other articles on for tips on these.

6. Take the MSCEIT

Finally, a great way to better manage your emotions is to increase your awareness of how effective your current strategies are and see what impact they are having on your overall performance and wellbeing. You can find this out by taking the MSCEIT (online) followed by a one to one feedback and coaching session with me.

I really hope you found this useful. If you’d like to find out your actual level of Emotional Intelligence you can do so by taking the MSCEIT test. Just contact us to book.

Fiona